How Resentment Builds in Relationships (and How to Stop It Before It’s Too Late)
Resentment is one of those things that quietly festers underneath a relationship. It’s like mold growing behind the walls: invisible at first, but slowly spreading until it shows up in all kinds of nefarious ways. It thrives in darkness—when things aren’t talked about, when needs aren’t voiced, when boundaries aren’t clear.
As a couples therapist here in Chicago, I see it all the time. One partner starts acting out—pulling away, getting snappy, or withdrawing—and neither partner really understands why. Underneath, it’s usually something that’s been pushed down for too long. And like anything that’s been suppressed, it eventually finds its way to the surface, often in ways that damage trust and connection.
This post will walk through what resentment really is, how it shows up in your relationship, and what you can do to start healing it—both within yourself and with your partner.
What Resentment Really Is (And Why It’s Not Just About Your Partner)
Most people think resentment is simply about what their partner does or doesn’t do: “I’m resentful because they never help,” or “I’m resentful because they always criticize me.” But underneath that, resentment is actually about what happens when your own voice goes missing in the relationship.
Here are four common ways that happens:
You don’t speak up.
Maybe you’re conflict-avoidant. You tell yourself, “It’s not that big a deal,” or “I don’t want to make things worse.” But those small moments build up. Every time you swallow discomfort, you add another layer to the pile of unspoken frustrations. Over time, even small behaviors start to feel bigger than they are because they’re landing on top of old, unexpressed hurts.
You don’t voice your needs.
Many people—especially those who learned early in life to please others—struggle to name what they need. But unvoiced needs don’t disappear; they just go underground and grow roots. Eventually, those unmet needs leak out through irritation, sarcasm, or coldness.
You don’t feel safe speaking up.
Sometimes the fear is real. Maybe your partner reacts with anger, dismissiveness, or withdrawal when you try to express something vulnerable. Or maybe you grew up in a home where conflict wasn’t safe. Either way, your nervous system learns that staying quiet feels safer than being honest. The trouble is, safety built on silence isn’t real safety—it’s self-protection at the cost of connection.
You don’t set boundaries.
When you don’t draw clear lines around what’s okay and what’s not, your partner may unintentionally (or sometimes intentionally) take up too much space. You feel overrun, unseen, or disregarded—but you also feel guilty for saying anything. That tension is fertile ground for resentment to grow.
Every time you silence yourself in one of these ways, another layer of resentment forms. And eventually, those layers make it hard to see your partner clearly.
How Resentment Shows Up
Resentment doesn’t usually announce itself directly. It leaks out sideways—through tone, posture, and withdrawal. Some common signs:
Closed-off body language or detachment. Arms crossed. Short answers. The silent treatment. These are often signs of hurt that hasn’t been voiced.
Globalizing language. “You always do this,” or “You never listen.” This is what the Gottmans call criticism—a predictor of relationship breakdown. It signals that something specific has turned into something global.
Defensiveness. You jump to justify or counterattack before your partner even finishes speaking. Often that’s not just shame—it’s resentment responding to an old wound.
Passive-aggressiveness or sarcasm. When it feels unsafe to express anger directly, it sneaks out sideways.
Refusing to give credit. Even when your partner is trying, you can’t bring yourself to acknowledge it because you’re still holding onto past hurts.
Withholding affection. Pulling away feels like the only power you have left.
Hopelessness. Over time, resentment turns to despair: “This is never going to get better.” That hopelessness is one of the most painful places couples find themselves.
But none of these signs mean the love is gone. They’re signals that love has been buried under layers of unspoken pain. When you start clearing away those layers, the warmth underneath can start to re-emerge.
How to Heal Resentment in Your Relationship
1. Check for Safety
Before sharing resentment with your partner, ask yourself: Is it emotionally safe to do so?
If you’re in an abusive or unsafe relationship, your first step is to get support and safety outside the relationship.
If it’s not unsafe but just difficult—for instance, your partner gets defensive, dismissive, or angry when you bring things up—consider bringing in a couples therapist. A neutral third party can help slow things down and make these conversations feel safer for both of you.
2. Start With Self-Work
Healing resentment always starts with turning inward before turning toward your partner. Ask yourself:
What am I actually resentful about?
Are there needs I’ve been avoiding voicing?
What am I afraid will happen if I speak up?
Take time to sit with these questions. Try journaling about a recent argument: What emotion came up most strongly? Where do you feel that emotion in your body? If you follow that thread back—what deeper hurt or longing might it be connected to?
Regulating your body is part of this work too. Before difficult conversations, take a few slow breaths, put a hand on your chest, and let your shoulders soften. Calm body, calm mind, open heart.
3. Share Intentionally with Your Partner
Don’t bring up resentment in the middle of conflict. Instead, choose a calm moment and set the stage:
“There’s something important I want to share. Is now a good time?”
Then use this simple structure:
Observation: “When you come home and immediately get on your phone…”
Feeling: “…I feel dismissed and disconnected.”
Need: “I really need to feel like I’m important to you.”
Request: “Would you be open to spending ten minutes together before checking your messages?”
This format keeps the conversation focused on impact instead of blame—and invites your partner into connection rather than defensiveness.
4. Make clear, specific requests.
Vague requests like “be more supportive” rarely help. Instead, try: “Can we have a 10-minute check-in after work each day?” Agreements like this give resentment fewer places to hide
5. Rebuild positive moments.
When resentment is thick, everything feels negative. Balance the hard conversations by intentionally creating positive ones: go on dates, show appreciation, laugh together, and notice what’s working. Connection can’t survive on criticism alone—it needs joy.
6. Follow Through & Be Consistent
One conversation won’t clear years of buildup. Healing resentment requires consistency. Keep using that same grounded tone when new hurts arise. Check back in. Acknowledge effort—on both sides. Over time, small repairs build emotional safety, and safety is what lets love breathe again.
Journaling Prompts to Explore Resentment
What situations in my relationship tend to make me feel most irritated or disconnected?
What needs of mine might be going unmet in those moments?
When I imagine voicing those needs, what fears come up?
How does my body react when I feel resentful—tightness, heat, tension? What might that be trying to tell me?
If I could express my resentment with compassion instead of blame, what would I want my partner to truly understand?
Use these prompts not to judge yourself, but to get curious. Resentment is information—it tells you where healing and honesty are needed.
Final Thoughts
Resentment is heavy, but it’s not permanent. Think of it as a signal that something needs repair—not a sign your relationship is doomed. By naming the hurt, taking ownership of your part, making clear requests, and actively rebuilding positivity, you can move through resentment and back into connection.
If resentment has been building in your relationship and you don’t know where to start, working with a couples therapist can help you break the cycle and create a healthier, more connected partnership.
