Why You Get Defensive in Arguments (And How to Actually Stop)

(From a couples therapist who’s been there)

Have you ever found yourself mid-argument saying something like,

“That’s not what I said,”

“Okay but you do that too,”

or just… totally shutting down and walking away?

Yeah. That’s defensiveness.

And it’s one of the biggest threats to long-term connection in relationships.

In this post, we’re breaking down why you get defensive (even if you don’t mean to), where it really comes from, and exactly what to do when it shows up—whether you’re the one getting defensive or on the receiving end of it.

What Defensiveness Actually Looks Like

Defensiveness isn’t just saying “you’re wrong.”

It can sound like:

• “That’s not what I meant.”

• “You always assume the worst.”

• “Well you do it too.”

But it’s not always verbal.

Defensiveness can also look like:

• Stonewalling or shutting down

• Eye rolls or flat affect

• Withdrawing mid-conversation

• Feeling like everything your partner says is a personal attack

Here’s the bottom line:

Defensiveness shifts the focus from your partner’s needs to your own need to protect.

And while that might make sense in the moment (especially if your nervous system is screaming “danger!”), it breaks trust over time.

Why We Get Defensive (Even When We Don’t Want To)

Here’s the uncomfortable truth:

Defensiveness usually isn’t about your partner.

It’s about your relationship with shame.

Let me explain.

There’s a loop that looks like this:

Feedback → Shame → Defensiveness → Disconnection

You hear something like:

“I felt hurt when you didn’t respond to my text.”

But what your brain hears is:

“I’m failing. I’m bad. I suck at relationships.”

Shame floods in—and you react not to protect the relationship, but to protect yourself.

That’s what makes defensiveness so tricky. It’s a self-protective habit that was likely necessary at one point… but in your relationship, it just pushes your partner away.

How to Stop Getting Defensive (in Real Life)

You can’t just “decide” not to be defensive.

But you can work with the feeling behind it.

Here’s a 5-step roadmap I use in couples therapy and in my own life:

1. Pause & Name the Shame

When your heart rate spikes and you want to jump in with a “That’s not fair!”—pause.

Take a breath and name what’s really going on:

“I’m feeling shame right now… but I don’t have to act on it.”

Naming it gives you power. It interrupts the autopilot.

2. Validate First—Even If You Disagree

This one is hard. But I stand by it:

100% of fights would go better if both people started with validation.

Validation ≠ Agreement.

It just means recognizing your partner’s experience as real.

Try:

“I hear you, and I can understand why that hurt.”

“That makes sense given what you were feeling.”

3. Get Curious Instead of Reactive

When in doubt, ask.

Curiosity softens both people’s nervous systems.

Try:

“Can you help me understand why that impacted you that way?”

“I want to get what’s going on for you—can we slow down?”

4. Take Accountability (Even for a Small Part)

You don’t have to take the blame for the whole thing.

But you can own a piece.

Say:

“You’re right—I did cut you off there, and I’m sorry.”

“I got defensive and that wasn’t helpful.”

Taking responsibility shows maturity—and builds trust.

5. Repair When You Mess Up

Nobody gets it right 100% of the time.

But you can always circle back:

“Hey, I was really defensive earlier. That wasn’t okay. Can we start over?”

That kind of repair is what makes your relationship stronger over time.

What to Do If Your Partner Is Defensive

If you’re the one on the receiving end of defensiveness, here’s what helps:

Use a Gentle Start-Up

Begin with calm, non-blaming language.

Try:

“Hey, can I share something on my mind?”

“Is now a good time to talk about something that came up?”

Reflect the Pattern

Call it in, not out.

“It seems like you’re getting defensive—can we slow down together?”

Talk About Impact, Not Blame

Lead with your feelings, not accusations.

“I know this wasn’t your intention. But here’s how it landed for me…”

Final Thought

Defensiveness isn’t a character flaw.

It’s a survival strategy. But in long-term love, it gets in the way.

And if you’re willing to pause, validate, and take ownership—even a little—you can start building a relationship that’s built on connection, not protection.

Want Help Navigating This in Your Relationship?

If you’re stuck in patterns of defensiveness, disconnection, or repeated conflict, I can help. Book a quick call below and let’s chat.