Defensiveness or Resentment? How to Tell the Difference in Your Relationship (and What to Do About It)
When Defensiveness Is Actually Resentment in Disguise: How to Spot It and Heal It
Ever find yourself snapping at your partner, shutting down, or mentally checking out during an argument—and then wondering, “Why did I react that way?”
It might not just be defensiveness.
It might be resentment in disguise.
As a couples therapist in Chicago, I see this dynamic unfold all the time in my office. On the surface, a partner looks “overly sensitive,” “too reactive,” or “checked out.” But underneath, there’s often a slow-burning buildup of unmet needs, unspoken frustrations, and unprocessed hurts.
Let’s break down how resentment hides behind defensiveness, how to tell if it’s happening to you, and what you can do to start healing it—for yourself and your relationship.
First, What Is Resentment Really?
Resentment is not just anger. It’s accumulated hurt.
It’s the pain that builds up when you:
Don’t speak up for what you need
Avoid setting boundaries
Feel unsafe or shut down when trying to express how you feel
And over time? That buried hurt starts bubbling up in sneaky, destructive ways—sarcasm, passive-aggression, emotional shutdowns, and yep, defensiveness.
How Resentment Disguises Itself as Defensiveness
Here are 5 signs your defensiveness might actually be resentment in disguise:
1. Your Reaction Feels “Bigger” Than the Moment
Your partner asks something small—“Can you load the dishwasher?”—and you explode. If your reaction feels way out of proportion, that’s a clue something deeper is being activated.
2. You’re Mentally Keeping Score
If your first thought in a disagreement is, “But I did X, Y, and Z already,” or “You never notice what I do,” resentment is likely living rent-free in your nervous system.
3. You Shut Down or Withdraw
Especially if you’re more conflict-avoidant, resentment can look like disengagement. It’s not always loud—it’s sometimes the silence that says, “What’s the point?”
4. You Replay Old Arguments in Your Head
Ruminating is a classic symptom of unresolved resentment. If you’re mentally rehashing the same conversations, you’re likely holding onto deeper pain.
5. Your Tone Doesn’t Match the Situation
Sarcasm, passive-aggression, and low-level irritability can be signs of emotional leakage. Your words say “I’m fine,” but your tone screams “I’m not okay with this.”
So, What Can You Do About It?
Start with Self-Work.
Resentment doesn’t go away on its own. You have to get curious, get honest, and do some self-excavation. Here are four ways to start:
1. Practice Focusing (Eugene Gendlin’s Method)
This is a body-based way of exploring emotion without immediately analyzing it. Try this the next time you feel triggered:
Step away and find a quiet space
Tune into your body: What are you feeling? Tight chest? Racing heart?
Ask: “What is this tension trying to tell me?”
Wait. Let words, images, or feelings arise. Don’t force it.
Let your body tell you the story your mind is skipping over.
2. Journal It Out
Before you try to have a conversation with your partner, it’s important to understand your own patterns. This is where self-work comes in.
Journaling is one of the most effective tools for exploring resentment because it slows you down enough to notice patterns. Instead of reacting in the moment, you’re creating a record of what’s really happening underneath.
Not into journaling? Try audio journaling (just record a voice note).
Here are some journaling prompts to get you started:
Think back to the last time you got defensive with your partner. What happened? Write down what was said and how you felt in the moment.
What part of your partner’s words stung the most? Was it the tone, the timing, or the content?
Does this moment remind you of other times you’ve felt ignored, dismissed, or criticized in your relationship? List a few that come to mind.
What are the unspoken resentments I’ve been carrying but haven’t shared? Try writing a list of the “little things” that still bug you.
If I could express these resentments without fear of conflict, what would I actually want to say?
What do I need from my partner that I haven’t asked for directly?
3. Track Your Triggers
Keep a short log over the next week:
What comments, tones, or behaviors from your partner tend to trigger you?
What happens in your body when it does?
What emotions or memories come up?
Mapping these patterns helps you recognize your part of the emotional cycle.
4. Scan Your Past
Ask yourself: “Have I felt this way before?”
Was there a parent or teacher who made you feel misunderstood or small?
An ex who criticized everything you did?
A coach who ignored your efforts?
Sometimes, our partner is unknowingly stepping on a much older emotional bruise.
How to Bring This Back to Your Partner
Start Small & Express the Feeling Underneath
Don’t try to tackle everything at once. Choose one area where resentment has been building. Practice saying it out loud to yourself first. Then, when you bring it to your partner, use a structure that helps avoid blame and invites connection.
Here’s a simple framework:
Observation: “When you come home from work and go straight to your phone…”
Feeling: “…I feel disconnected and unimportant. I’ve been feeling this way for a while.”
Need: “I really need some intentional time with you when you come home.”
Request: “Could we spend 10 minutes together when you walk in the door before diving back into work?”
When paired with the self-work you’re doing, this structure gives your partner clarity and helps both of you address the backlog of hurt in a constructive way.
Ask for reassurance. Ask for attunement. Ask for what would help you feel safe in that moment.
Final Thoughts
Defensiveness isn’t just a bad habit. It’s often the nervous system crying out: “I’ve been hurt. And I don’t know how to say it out loud.”
Resentment can sneak into even the strongest relationships—but if you learn how to spot it and name it, you can begin to repair the emotional fractures before they become permanent.
If this resonated with you and you’re ready to unpack your own resentment (or your partner’s) in a safe, supportive space—reach out. I offer therapy for couples in Chicago and Illinois, and coaching for clients worldwide.
You don’t have to keep carrying this alone.
