What to Do When Your Partner Can’t Talk About Their Feelings
Ever ask your partner how they’re feeling and get… nothing? Maybe a shrug, a blank look, or the classic “I don’t know.” Suddenly you’re left holding the entire emotional weight of the conversation.
Here’s what’s happening: many people simply never learned how to talk about emotions. If you grew up in a family where nobody said things like “I feel sad” or “that hurt me,” it’s like being asked to speak a language you were never taught. No wonder it feels impossible.
The good news? You can build emotional connection with a partner who struggles to talk about feelings. It just requires patience, creativity, and a little strategy.
Why Some People Struggle to Share Emotions
Research in attachment and interpersonal neurobiology shows that emotional literacy is learned, not automatic. If your partner didn’t grow up in a home where feelings were named and validated, their nervous system may respond with anxiety or shutdown when you ask them to “open up.”
That doesn’t mean they don’t feel—it means they might not have the words.
How to Support Your Partner Without Pressure
1. Start with the body
Emotions live in the body before they become words. Instead of asking “How do you feel?” try:
“Do you feel tight in your chest?”
“Is your stomach knotted right now?”
“Are your shoulders tense?”
Often, physical sensations are easier to identify than abstract emotions.
2. Offer gentle word choices
If they get stuck, offer simple options. “Do you feel anxious? Angry? Sad?” This isn’t putting words in their mouth—it’s scaffolding, like giving a child a menu to choose from when they don’t know what’s possible.
Pay attention to their cues, too. If they look withdrawn, you might say:
“It seems like you’re sad. Did I get that right?”
3. Use metaphors, music, and stories
Sometimes feelings make more sense through images or associations than vocabulary. You might ask:
“Does it feel like that sad song we listened to the other day?”
“Do you feel like the character in that movie who just wanted to run away?”
It can be easier to say, “I feel like that character” than to say, “I’m depressed.”
Remember: It’s Not About Fixing
Your job isn’t to “fix” your partner. It’s to create safety. When someone feels safe, patient curiosity becomes the bridge to deeper intimacy. This is how you move from isolation to connection—together.
If this resonates…
Helping a partner open up emotionally is tough work, and you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Book a call below if you’re interested in therapy (Illinois) or relationship coaching (online anywhere).
