Why You Avoid Conflict & How to Stop Being Conflict Avoidant in Your Relationships

From Avoidant to Engaged: Strategies to Stop Avoiding Conflict in Relationships

If you’ve ever hidden something from your partner because you feared the conflict that might arise, you’re not alone. Conflict avoidance is a common challenge that can create significant issues in relationships. In this post, we’ll explore why we avoid conflict, how it harms relationships, and actionable strategies to overcome it.

Why Do We Avoid Conflict?

1. Evolutionary Roots of Conflict Avoidance

As humans, we’re wired for connection and survival within a group. In evolutionary terms, conflict posed a threat to the cohesion of the group, triggering our brain’s fight, flight, or freeze response. When conflict arises, your amygdala (the fear center of the brain) may signal danger, making it feel like your bond—or even your “tribe”—is at risk.

2. Family Dynamics and Learned Behavior

The way conflict was handled in your family growing up plays a significant role:

• Chaotic households: If you experienced constant yelling or tension, you may associate conflict with danger and avoid it to maintain peace.

• Avoidant families: In families where issues were swept under the rug, you may have learned to avoid addressing problems altogether.

3. Attachment Styles

• Anxious attachment: You may fear that addressing conflict will upset your partner and lead to rejection or abandonment.

• Avoidant attachment: Conflict, like other strong emotions, may feel overwhelming, so avoiding it feels safer.

4.Emotional Triggers

Conflict can activate deeply rooted emotional fears such as:

• Shame: Worrying about being judged or exposed as inadequate.

• Rejection: Fearing your needs will be dismissed or invalidated.

• Empathy overload: Feeling guilty about upsetting your partner.

The Harmful Effects of Conflict Avoidance

1. Builds Resentment

Unspoken concerns don’t just disappear. When you suppress your needs, you may begin to feel resentment toward your partner, even though they may not know there’s an issue.

2. Reduces Authenticity

Avoiding conflict often means suppressing your true self. Over time, this creates a “shrunken” version of yourself in the relationship, leading to feelings of disconnection and dissatisfaction.

3. Prevents Growth

Relationships thrive when both partners address challenges and grow together. Avoidance keeps you and your partner stuck at surface-level interactions, blocking deeper connection and understanding.

Strategies to Overcome Conflict Avoidance

1. Reframe Conflict as an Opportunity

Conflict doesn’t have to be a threat; it can be a pathway to deeper understanding and intimacy. Remind yourself that addressing issues can strengthen your relationship.

2. Practice Emotional Self-Regulation

Managing your emotions during conflict is key:

• Deep Breathing: Breathe in for 4 counts and out for 8 counts to activate your parasympathetic nervous system (your calming response).

• Name the Emotion: Use tools like a feelings wheel to identify and label what you’re feeling. Naming your emotion can create distance and help you manage it.

• Move Your Body: Physical activity like walking, stretching, or tensing and releasing muscles can help dissipate anxiety.

3. Communicate Assertively

• Use the formula: Fact → Feeling → Request. For example:

• Fact: “When you cancel our plans last minute…”

• Feeling: “…I feel hurt and unimportant.”

• Request: “Could we agree to more notice if plans change?”

• Write down and rehearse what you want to say before initiating the conversation to feel more prepared.

4. Start Small

Begin with low-stakes issues to build confidence in addressing conflict. For example, share a minor frustration or a small personal preference to practice voicing your needs.

5. Create a Routine for Discussions

The Gottmans’ State of the Union Address is a great tool. Set aside time weekly to share both positive feedback and address concerns in a structured way. Regular check-ins normalize conflict and make tough conversations less intimidating.

Conflict avoidance can feel like a natural and protective response, but over time, it can harm your relationship and your personal growth. By understanding the roots of your avoidance and practicing these strategies, you can shift from avoidance to engagement—building a stronger, more authentic connection with your partner.